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Classic Golf One-Liners



Bad? I’ll tell you how bad he is. In his bag he carries flares, a compass and emergency rations.

The position of your hands is very important when playing golf. I use mine to cover up my scorecard.

The way he plays they should put the flags on the greens at half-mast.

He had to get a new caddie on the ninth hole. He sent the first one back to the clubhouse for laughing too loudly.

Tiger Woods is making so much money out of the game of golf, I hear he’s got a drive-in wallet …

The golf pro wants me to keep my head down so I can’t see him laughing.

There are thousands of people who are worse golfers than he is. Of course, they don’t play.

It seems to me that at times the hardest thing about golf is being allowed out of the house to play it.

A golf club is the kind of place where you meet the kind of people that you would have black-balled if you had gotten in before them …

It’s a strange world isn’t it? You hire someone to mow your lawn, so that you will have time to play golf for the exercise.

A Scotsman sadly gave up the game after 25 years. He lost his ball.

A mate of mine is known around the club as the James Bond of golf. After every hole, he says, ‘Oh, oh, seven .. .’

He cut ten strokes off his score. He didn’t play the last hole.

I’m not saying his game is bad, but if he grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.

I took a golf lesson yesterday and did really well. In just one lesson I was throwing my clubs as well as guys who have been playing for years!

I play with a golfer who is so accustomed to shaving his score that when he gets a hole-in-one he cards a zero.

Nothing counts in a golf game like your opponent.

I am not the calmest golfer in the world. I once played nine holes and lost 11 clubs …

He’s too fat to play. If he places the ball where he can hit it, he can’t see it.  If he places it where he can see it, he can’t hit it.

A doctor who golfs has one advantage over the rest of us. Nobody can read his scorecard.

A mate of mine plays a fair game of golf. But only when you watch him …

It seems to me that golf is just like life-you get yourself out of one hole and then you are in another.





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